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Travellers

No crash, no broken glass, no injury.A mild derailment, quiet loss of poweror small mechanical catastrophe,enough to leave us stranded for an hour,is all I ask. The driver will explainpolitely to...

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Re: Travellers

Dave - this is excellent. Leave the last line as it is - it's perfect. I really wouldn't change anything about this. Thanks for a good read,Clive

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Re: Travellers

Thanks all - lots of nice comments. I appreciate all the responses A little explanation that, I think, will answer most of the queries raised - First, it's a very British poem, being mildly ironic...

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Re: Travellers

Hiya Dave -- Re my "alternative" final line: Since this sonnet is about a daydream I just thought that it would be nice to add some extra British irony. Of course the line isn't to be taken literally!...

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Re: Travellers

This is grand, Dave; little to nit. I was glad of the explication, but was onto it anyway. A "small mechanical catastrophe" offers a nice oxymoronic touch. One small suggestion would be "fixed" for...

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Re: Travellers

(* slapping forehead *) Thanks for the explanation! p.s. Prickly, Deneeez? Moi? How DARE you suggest such a thing! ;-)

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Re: Travellers

It's hardly a nit, but I do have an eentsy problem in seeing a derailment as mild. The closing line is a gem, as we sort of knew we were on the lines of 'circumstance can throw people together in...

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Re: Travellers

Even as an American reader, I had no problem with the Guardian and Sun -- I know they're newspapers over there and easily surmised, if I didn't already know vaguely, that they have very different...

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Re: Travellers

Our friend Spindleshanks exposed just like me this sonnet's Achilles heel: "-- although in the final statement I read a hint of regret rather than simple contentment." It is a very weak closure, no...

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Re: Travellers

Crispin, you're putting words in my mouth. Consummate:1 : complete in every detail : PERFECT2 : extremely skilled and accomplished 3 : of the highest degree My comment: in the final statement I read a...

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Re: Travellers

Brendan - many thanks for that. I'd hoped the 'we two' would be sufficient to redefine 'we' from the all encompassing 'we' of earlier to the intimate 'we' of the closure. But that's always the trouble...

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Re: Travellers

Perhaps an absurdly detailed suggestion, but what about the more casual "There isn't room to dance," or ". . . since there's no room to dance"? The feeling of that line for me is an enclosure that's...

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Re: Travellers

Excellent, Dave.Suggest you italicize Guardian and Sun for the benefit of non-Brit readers.Regards,David

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Re: Travellers

Dave--This dreamy poem takes a few chances, & works through them -- the first sentence fragment is a catalogue object of the second sentence, which itself delays its subject up to the fifth line....

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Re: Travellers

Sorry i`m late but wanted to say that i alsothought this very good. Aside from what has been said above me i thought line 2 needed a tweak. Forget therulebook and just bung the `a' before `quiet'.Hour...

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Re: Travellers

Dave - coming back to this one to chuck in my tuppence ha'penny about the oxymorons. I thought they worked very well, had me smiling, which I think might have been your intention.As to the last line,...

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Re: Travellers

As to "the other suggestion":Quote: The last line 'There is no room to dance.' is nothing less than the truth, and implies (I hope) that talking to this chance companion will be pleasant enough, and...

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Re: Travellers

Dutch - ever heard the phrase "leave it alone and move on"?

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Re: Travellers

You hate me, doncha? You hate all of me -- my poems, my sonnets, my comments, my suggestions, everything. Ah well."Sic vive tamquam cras moriturus, sic stude quasi semper victurus."~ Desiderius...

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Re: Travellers

I'd never expected this quiet sonnet would have stirred up such a set of responses. But thanks, all, for taking the trouble. The 'final version' of this one is unchanged from the version I posted. I...

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Re: Travellers

Dear Dave,What can I say? I loved it,-the patience, the irony, the railness, and the close is wonderful in terms of the British reserve already implied.Re the point that a definite article would help...

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